Monthly Archives: May 2014

The 5 Most Annoying Lies About Dating After Divorce

When you start all over after a divorce, you get a lot of misinformation about what’s out there and what you deserve. After I split with my husband of 16 years I was almost certain I’d just spend the rest of my life single. I was ready for that. And it’s because of everything I was hearing about dating and relationships after divorce. I have to say, the landscape looked treacherous from where I stood. But maybe I was listening to the wrong voices? It turns out, when it comes to finding love again after divorce, it’s not as complicated or difficult as you’d think. Forget the unhelpful noise you hear — like these five bits of popular wisdom.

1. You’re damaged goods. Something about surviving a bad relationship makes people feel less lovable, for some reason. The stigma of divorce is fading (finally, thank goodness!) but it’s still hard to shake that feeling that you deserve less. But that’s bunk. You are a survivor, and you deserve good love. Period.

Instead, consider your experience and what you have to offer your “social price,” a term professor of economics Dr. David Anderson coined to describe how we perceive our value in a relationship. “The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price.”

2. It’s slim pickings out there. That’s what I hear all the time, especially from my single friends. And to a certain extent, they’re right. Dysfunctional man-baby knuckleheads abound. But there are also men who are kind and mature; They’ve had the same kinds of ups and downs in love that all of us have, and that’s why they’re still single.

3. Time is running out. Just after I split with my husband I felt this pressure, like I had just a couple years left of being attractive before I hit my old hag years. That’s bananas. I mean, I should have more faith in my ability to age well. But that aside, this isn’t a race. The men my age are getting older, too. We’re aging together. And you need to let things unfold in their own time or risk making a hasty mistake: There rebound relationship.

4. You’re going to ruin your new relationship with your old baggage. You’re not — if you’ve done the work and are paying attention. Be present in the moment so you can be aware of old patterns of thinking or feeling creeping in. Remember you’re dealing with a new person, not your ex. Also, everyone has baggage, not just divorced people.

5. A new relationship will make you whole again. It won’t. You need to find out how to be a whole person on your own, first, before you find a new person to love. You can’t use a new relationship to heal from the last one.

What’s the most surprising thing you learned about finding love after divorce?’

Original Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/relationship-after-divorc_n_5235701.html

Finding Happiness After Divorce: Not a Possibility, a High PROBABILITY

Ask any newly separated man or woman if he or she thinks finding happiness after divorce is possible, and the answer you get will involve a grim outlook.

“Who knows?” they will might say with their head down, their eyes possibly filling with tears. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’m just thinking about how to survive RIGHT NOW. I hope so.”

I think finding happiness after divorce is not a possibility, but rather a high PROBABILITY, and I can say that because of the dozens of divorced men and women I have seen go from sad, weary, scared, frustrated, furious and depressed to happy, self-confident, strong and madly in love! Seriously.

I want to give an example, which happens to be my inspiration for this post. About a year ago, a ran into a friend of mine at the gym, and she told me she and her husband of 10 years were separating. They have two young kids. From what she said, my impression was that it was her husband’s decision. She teared up, and I felt sick about it because I just love this girl. It actually inspired me to write the Huffington Post blog, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting A Divorce.”

So, time goes on, and I continue to see her at the gym, always sad, always looking weary and defeated. It was a look that would make me want to cry. Yet, she kept going to the gym. In other words, she kept living her life.

We would talk every now and again, and she would tell me the usual divorce nightmare stories: she was worried about finances, she was scared she was going to be alone forever, she was worried about how her kids were going to handle this, she knew her husband was dating other women and was happy, etc. etc.

A few months ago, I happened to run into her soon-to-be ex, and I said hello. The first words out of his mouth were, “Yeah, everything’s great! I’ve lost 22 pounds!” he said, patting with pride what he thought was his six-pack. “I feel great!” Never asked how I was, how my kids were, and never said anything like, “Divorce is hard, I hope my kids will be okay,” etc. etc.

So, a few days ago, I ran into my friend. I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and I noticed she looked absolutely beautiful. And THIN! I told her so, and she smiled. “Thank you so much,” she said humbly. “I’ve lost 18 pounds.”

I asked how things were and she told me her kids were doing well, and that she changed jobs and loved her new position.

I then said to her, “You met someone, didn’t you?”

She turned bright red and said, “Oh my God! Yes! I did!!”

She met a man on a dating website who has two children and they are very happy. She said she’s not sure what’s going to happen, but right now, she’s just enjoying feeling loved and happy.

I hugged her and when I walked away, I felt like I could fly. Inspired beyond, but not surprised, as I see a story like my friend’s a lot.

But let me clarify, that it isn’t luck when it comes to finding happiness after divorce. The men and women I meet with a story like this are those who make good, selfless choices. Those who focus on their children, their career, and who do positive things to heal from their divorce. Instead of drinking, they workout, instead of playing the victim, they focus on fixing the problems they can control, and instead of wallowing in in sorrow and self-pity, they get off their butts and accept their new role. They get strong. They go out and make things happen to grab the life they want.

From all of those choices comes self-confidence, self-love and yes, eventually LOVE.

This girl reminds me of Cinderella, but the difference is, she was her own fairy Godmother. Happiness after divorce is PROBABLE for you, too!

Original Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/finding-happiness-after-d_1_b_5389179.html

Trusting Your Instincts In Divorce

When women begin to consider divorce or start the process of filing for divorce they begin to receive lots of unwanted advice. The same thing happens to women throughout life I suppose. Consider when you first announced you were getting married, having a baby, quitting your job to stay home with your children; you name it when it involves your family and personal decisions you need to make everyone has an opinion. That is just one of the funny parts of life.

The best advice is advice not given. When it comes to your divorce, just like your marriage, it will be unique to you and so will your experiences as you proceed. There are some tips that may or may not apply to your situation. It is best to decide for yourself your next move. Do research on your own about divorce. This will help lead you into a position that allows you to think for yourself without being swayed by the tips or opinions of bitter divorcees.

When divorce is initially considered or thought of it is a good idea to meet with an attorney that specializes in women’s divorces. Find an attorney that comes with a solid reputation for defending women’s rights in divorce as well as child custody and support. Most often the initial consultation with the attorney is free even if this is not the case one hour of time with an attorney will allow you to get a good feel for their practice as well as their reputation. You will want to be comfortable with this person as you will be sharing incredibly intimate details of your marriage with them.

During this first initial meeting with a divorce attorney you should get a basic understanding on the divorce laws of your state. Each state is different when it comes to divorce laws. It is crucial to understand the laws of your state and how they apply to your situation. During this meeting you will also want to get information about attorney fees, mediation and different parenting agreements that are applicable to your situation.

Some divorces are fairly amicable and can be settled through mediation. Your divorce attorney should accompany you to any meetings set by the mediator. This is important to help protect you and your rights. Even when divorce is amicable doesn’t mean that your ex-husbands attorney will play fairly. Never sign or agree to anything involving your divorce without the advice of your divorce council present.

Before you leave the residence you share with your spouse check with your attorney. This is a decision that should not be made in haste. There are real implications when it comes to leaving the marital home during a divorce. If you find you are concerned for your safety or the safety of your children you should seek out a personal protection order, otherwise known as a PPO, or restraining order while things are settled with your divorce.

In the next installment on divorce we will look into more tips and strategies for you to investigate as you move through the divorce process. Remember one size does not fit all when you are considering a divorce and your divorce proceedings are meant to fit you.

Longton DM, a subsidiary of Longton Law Offices is a divorce attorney specializing in Women/Mom’s in divorce. For experienced representation throughout the divorce process in Michigan you can find more information athttp://www.michigandivorcelawyerforwomen.com

Handling Your Divorce In Your Own Way

In our first installment regarding tips for your divorce we talked about the importance of looking out for yourself and not taking advice from other divorcees as it may not fit your divorce. We discussed looking as your divorce as its own separate entity as it is unique to you, your marriage and your situation.

A lot of times you will hear people that claim their divorce was completely amicable and they were able to settle without issue through mediation. While this sounds like a wonderful fantasy of what divorce can be it is the most likely a just that, a fantasy. No matter how cooperative you and your spouse are with each other there are bound to be phases throughout the divorce that you don’t see eye to eye. This is especially true when it comes to children and issues relating to parenting time and child support.

This is not to say that you can’t find peace in divorce and throughout yours however know that it is okay if your divorce doesn’t have a fairy tale ending. Your marriage wasn’t a fairy tale so why it is assumed that the divorce should be one is a mystery. Whenever you have third parties involved your divorce becomes trickier. This third party can be an attorney, a new love interest, children or family. When you start involving more people, more opinions come into play and with this come more aggravations. You will never be able to please everyone and in your divorce the only person you need to be concerned with pleasing is yourself while providing a best interest for your child.

When it comes to filing for divorce or being served with divorce papers one thing is true; you will never be as prepared as you will want to be. Once the situation has begun it is important to prepare yourself. Get together a list of important names and numbers that you may need in the future. You will want to also start putting together a list that includes handyman service providers, mechanics, tax preparers as well as any service you were not familiar with in your as wife and mother.

Consider finding something new outside of your divorce to learn and throw yourself into. You will find that you have spare time on your hand. The last thing that is healthy for you or for your family is to sit around and think too much. Be proactive, find something new to do. It can be something as simple as learning how to do small repairs on your car or home. Try anything to occupy your mind and gain knowledge that you didn’t previously have. Start learning about budgeting and retirement as this something you will have to reevaluate now that you may be doing this on your own.

Did your heart skip a beat when you thought about that last statement? Only let that happen this once. Strap on your big girl shoes and get on living your new life and letting go of your old life as you proceed through your divorce.

Longton DM, a subsidiary of Longton Law Offices is a divorce attorney specializing in Women/Mom’s in divorce. For experienced representation throughout the divorce process in Michigan you can find more information athttp://www.michigandivorcelawyerforwomen.com.

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