Monthly Archives: October 2015

Women Should Know This Before They Get Divorced

There are so many feelings that occur when getting divorced.  It is important to consider even the most unexpected situations to better prepare yourself for what can happen after your divorce is finalized.  Here are the top issues that women have shared about their experiences during and after their divorce.

Recovery May Take Longer Than You Thought:  Even the strongest of women admit they have a hard time functioning after a divorce.  Every person going through a divorce heals at their own pace.  Some women bounce back immediately while others take years to get back to living on their own.

Choose Your Divorce Attorney Wisely: Choose an attorney that specializes in family law.  A divorce attorney is the best option to handle your divorce.  Sometimes a criminal attorney will take on a divorce case.  This is not your best option when choosing an attorney.  A family law attorney specializing in divorce is the best option in getting the best possible settlement.

Dig Into All Finances Both Individual and Joint:  Many divorces, actually about forty percent, center around finances.  When you are getting divorced it is important that you get all of the information pertaining to your finances both individually and together.  Gather information on all of the accounts held within the home.  Figure out what payments are made automatically and where money is invested.  The more you know, the more your attorney can get for you in a settlement.

Determine What Future Living Expenses Will Be:  It is important to be financially set once the divorce occurs.  Your well being, as well as the well being of your children is of the utmost importance.  Gather an estimate of what you believe the current cost of living is before the divorce proceedings begin.  You need to know what you will have to have in the future to maintain the lifestyle you are accustomed to.

Consider Unexpected Costs:  It is never easy to think about the future expenses that may arise but when going through a divorce it is important to do just that.  An account is needed to assist with unexpected expenses that occur during and after the divorce proceedings.   It is important to have a savings that covers three months of expenses upon separation and divorce.

Hurting Your Ex Usually Backfires: Hurting your ex in turn hurts your children.  Anything you say or write is out there forever and always for your children to see or hear.  Be careful when talking about your ex.  Kill them with kindness over trashing them.  In the long run you will end up in a better position than if you choose to bash them.

Your Kids Will Hide Their Feelings From You:  Kids are notorious for saying they are fine when in fact nothing about them is okay.  The behavior of your children will change after they experience their parents divorcing.  Younger children may become clingy and want to sleep with you.  Older children may start disobeying and acting out in more dangerous ways.  Whatever your child does it is important to see it and address the situation with care and understanding.  A counselor or family therapist is incredibly helpful to assist children in working through their feelings and getting to a point of acceptance.

Divorce Is Freeing:  More than anything women find that after some time they actually feel free after their divorce is over.  Living life for you without compromising with another individual is the most freeing experience a woman can feel.  Embrace the new chapter that is opening.  Your book is open ended after you have experienced a divorce.  Choose new hobbies, get the kids involved in activities that you can enjoy together and start to move forward; creating a new chapter is an incredibly freeing adventure for newly single women.

Longton DM, a subsidiary of Longton Law Offices is a divorce attorney specializing in Women/Mom’s in divorce throughout Trenton and the surrounding Michigan areas. Find us at

Why Does Divorce Create Such Turmoil?

Primal fear is what makes going through divorce, separation, bereavement, loss of a job, loss of a dream so difficult. It triggers abandonment — our first fear — a fear universal to all human beings. It is a feeling of being left on the doorstep, of feeling left behind.

The upheaval of divorce involves the heart-wrenching process of separation, along with the added stress of legal issues, having to move, extra financial burdens, childcare complications, changes in social status, and the list goes on. The bottom line is that divorce is an emotionally charged experience that jangles the raw human nerve of abandonment.

If rejection and betrayal were involved in the reason the marriage ended, abandonment feelings are right there on the surface. Rejection stings, burns and aches. But even if the divorce was your choice, the process can leave you feeling alone and isolated. Some people felt abandoned during the marriage; others decided that the lack of love and passion in the marriage caused them to abandon themselves.

Going from married to single can be a cause for celebration, but can also spark an identity crisis. You trade in being someone’s wife or husband for being alone. You no longer have someone you belong to, no longer have that go-to person. Where once you had the status of “being married” (for what it was worth) you now check the box for “divorced.” A small thing, but a reminder that you belong to a new “group.”

No matter whose fault the divorce was in reality, there is usually sense of failure on both parts. How did I land up here? Why couldn’t we make it work? Why did I choose someone like this? Why am I not like the others who have successful long-term relationships? Is there something wrong with me?

Getting divorced becomes a semipublic event as the people in your life begin to learn about it. It can leave you feeling abandoned by public approval, as if you’ve somehow fallen from grace. You may feel exposed, that getting divorced red-flags your shortcomings. Will people begin to wonder if I am capable or worthy of a healthy relationship? Might they suspect I am deficient in some way?

And what about losing your membership in the coupled world? No longer two, you are now barred entry to Noah’s ark. You may be invited to fewer dinner parties now that you are not part of a couple. By losing my other half have I lost half of my social value?

There is secondary abandonment. Some friends tend to pull away because they don’t want to take sides or have clearly taken your spouse’s side. Your coupled friends may seek out new couples to go out with. Sometimes secondary abandonment hurts worse than the loss of the partner.

Divorce is a time of reawakening and change. To make sure that change is for the better, you must grab that abandonment nerve by the tail and flip it to your favor. Make a commitment to yourself that you will benefit from your experience rather than be diminished by it. This means that you must:

1. Welcome all of the feelings that are stirred up — including abandonment, the primal fear itself. This brings you to the depths of yourself, opening you to an opportunity for profound personal change.

2. Nurture your feelings. This is a time to practice self-love in the form of accepting and validating yourself as an emotionally self-reliant human being.

3. Take action. Baby steps build momentum. You don’t think your way out of the turmoil of like divorce and separation; you DO your way out. Keep moving in a positive direction. Constructive behaviors lead to profound personal growth.

4. Spur your growth by becoming involved in the abandonment recovery program. The tools are there to guide you through. You will learn how to work with your feelings rather than against them, how to support yourself by taking positive, goal-directed actions, and how to make healthy new connections.

5. Take advantage of the resources at

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